Making the World Better for New York Cyclists—One Complaint at a Time:
A Website (mostly) of constructive bitching

  A Contest to Rid Mountain Stages of Asshole Spectators 
Who Stand in the Road or Run Alongside the Racers.

In 200 words or less, write your idea how to rid the mountain stages of major races of, I think they're called, "assholes" who run uphill, alongside bike racers, getting in their way, surely causing  them some apprehension, sometimes making them swerve, and in one notorious case, bringing one down. (See the last vignette in the video to the right.)

Limit one entry per entrant.

THE GRAND PRIZE (There are no others.)
One, brand new Michelin tube (suitable only for a 700C 18-23mm tire) will be awarded for the best entry of an idea how to, uh, let us say, "discourage" these—again, I  have to go outside customary racing nomenclature—schmucks.

The prize winner will be responsible for any tax consequence due to accepting the prize.

Entries must be submitted by e-mail to (Telephoned entries are not acceptable. I can't be responsible for writing down your nasty, devious, perverse ideas without embellishing them myself.) Entries must be sent by 9:30AM EDT, Thursday, July 18, 2013...timed to approximately coincide with the arrival atop the Alpe d'Huez (where you will see the very jerks we're talking about) on Stage 18 of this year's Tour de France.

Anonymous entries are acceptable and will be published if suitable (see below); in the event the first place is awarded to an anonymous entry, the prize will be given to the best non-anonymous entry.

This is an open field. Cat. 4s will compete against Pros.

Entries will be judged for imagination, sheer wickedness, and mean-spiritedness. The dessicated owner of this site is the sole judge. His biased and skewed opinion is final and not subject to appeal.

A winner found to have been blood doping or on mental performance enhancing drugs while writing will be disqualified. A urine sample will be required before presentation of the tube.

Entrant agrees to have his/her entry published here and accepts the judge's bowdlerization of it where necessary.


Have a gate across the entire road at the start of the climb. There's no charge for spectators passing through it. However, every man who does (this is a male thing) must leave his shoes at a shoe locker at the gate and claim them after the race. Then, if he wants to chase the riders barefoot, he can. Oh, one other element: the race directors will have laced the sides of the road with razor blades sticking straight up, but embedded them enough so their locations aren't apparent.

Now I ask you, is that a great idea or what?

GOOD FOOTWORK: This sequence from 2013 on the Alpe d'Huez
shows a mild start. Too mild, but it's a start.